Kaho Na Beach Hai

Directhuhs: Choyon M And Clyde D

In a sensational heist, JAM has managed to get the rejected scripts of this year’s runaway hit - Kaho Naa Pyar Hai. Here is the best one we got, which is incidentally about the making of the movie itself. This true plot is an unbelievable diabolical twist to its romantic counterpart.

1 Sadyo purani baat hai

Long time ago, a day of fun and frolic on Juhu beach turns into tragedy when a judwaa bhai is drowned by his father and judwaa brother. Hairloss has weighed a lot on daddy’s mind and he can’t take anymore tension, especiallyb since he may lose more hair trying to launch 2 stars. And so chota Hrithik and papa Roshandrown twin brother Raj

2 20 years later...

Cut to a secluded island where Hrithik's first launge at stardom is ruined when one Leo (os a certain Taitanic fame,& now the Beach fame )decides to claim the island as his own paradise, while being chased by thai drug lords. Anyway this hot chase effectively ruins Hrithik's song 'n dance squence.

3 Angootha ka chaap

Hrithik and starlet Ameesha are deeply in love and our Romeo is on his way to meet her when destiny intervenes. In a bizzare freak accident, Hrithik’s bike swerves off a bridge when he is distracted by a mutated hitchhiking thumb that reminds him of a cheap horror film; the kind he’ll have to act in if his film flops. The thought is enough to kill him. And it does.

4 Dooba Dooba

Women hate to have anything to do with men who recover dead bodies. That’s why our rescuer finds a discarded treasure chest of pornos more interesting than Hrithik’s body. So our sad debutant star son meets with death... which is anyday better than a flop!!

5 Bikeful Doodh

Poor Ameesha cannot shoot after Hrithik’s death, so she flies off to New Zealand which is a must in every flick. But what’s this? Is it Hrithik selling milk on a 900cc bike? No baba no, it’s only the drowned twin Raj (check scene 1 dodo) who resurfaced in New Zealand. Low IQ Ameesha is happy that she can continue shooting with Raj and happier because she can get a ride on his bike. And so Ameesha falls in love again. Oh! what a twist.

6 Pardes se des

BTW death does strange things to the little kid brother. The sadma of Hrithik’s death has turned him into an idiot who can’t stop talking or singing senselessly. Or maybe it’s the bad background music that’s driven him crazy. Now that the audience has got their fill of a firang town, it’s back to India for the crew. At the airport, Raj is shot by some muscled goons. Later Raj is strumming his custom made 7 string guitar for 6 fingered freaks to launch his singing career. His mission now, is also to uncover exactly why he is being shot at.

7 Mobile(free) Food

The show stopper concert is underway. The phenomenal crowds are just homeless tramps who’ve come there for free food. Raj looks swell, but only his unshaved armpits - are the cause of girls fainting. The ringing mobiles are not to be confused with the plot, ‘that’s just Hansie finalising his deals in Afrikaans’...

‘Ik pal ka jeena interval ke pehle jaana Aee aaa ii aaa ooo Chup bet na.... Mera sir dard se dukh raha hai, ....’

8 Star Wars

In the warehouse Ameesha is tied to the chair and Raj is entangled in chains trying to rescue her. Now he’s face 2 face with his attackers......the 3 Khans (too expensive to show in scene). They’ll nip this rising star in the bud and consolidate their position at the top. Mr. Risingstar is hoisted in chains when he is so overwhelmed that he confesses to killing Hrithik.

Bus Hogaya!!?

But alas.. all stars that rise must fall down to earth. For now Raj and papa Roshan (implicated for attempting to murder the l’il kid) are cooling their heels in the slammer, along with the 3 Khans (also implicated for attempting to murder the rising star). Till then, Bollywood fans are urged to buy tickets to their movies, which will be used to post their bail. JAM urges u to hang on to ur money and let these ‘stars’ remain in protective confinement.